Letting Go

So, the D.I.N.K?  Yeah, he got a job.  Apparently I should've bought a PS.3 and perfected my Cheech & Chong act because clearly that's what will get me back into the workplace.

It's incredibly hard to congratulate this person, not only because it shows that some people don't have to put any effort into finding work and it simply finds them (or in this case, ripped the bong from his hands and beat him over the head with it), but this particular person has been a Dr. Jekyll \ Mr. Hyde with me since flipping my lid and getting a pink slip.

One day it's "you're looking like you feel a little better", the next it's "you know, it's pretty silly that you're doing all of this because your grandmother died".  Incredibly sensitive on the latter, dontcha think?  I totally asked for this, all the kids are doing it and I didn't want to feel left out.  Interestingly enough, that statement wasn't too far off from something Candie said to me, while tag-teaming me in her office with Pammy just days before completely losing my mind.  "You brought this on yourself", she said.  Awesome.  Exactly what someone who is planning the best way to take their own life should hear.  Much like Candie, D.I.N.K truly believes everything that spews from his mouth is golden.  One of my all-time favorite pieces of advice from Mr. D.I.N.K was "you need to let it go.  You can't move forward if you keep letting this bother you.", and while true, coming from someone who benefits from the company cheapens it a bit.

Letting go, particularly letting go of words and actions of those that have irritated or wronged me is nearly impossible for me to do.  I don't forget anything anyone has said or done to me.  I replay them over and over in my head, twisting everything to the point that I believe I am at fault.  I over analyze everything, from facial expressions to the tone of someone's voice.  When you've lived the life I have, from childhood to present day, you rely heavily on the small things to build defense mechanisms to get through the most menial of tasks.  I have "pre-recorded" responses in my head for nearly any situation, not that I ever use them.  I tend to freeze up, agree with whomever I am interacting with, then add the situation to my growing list of "could-have's", as in could have done this better, could have said this, etc.  Press the auto-loop button and let the over analyzing begin.

Letting go of what the company, Candie and Pammy did to me is nearly impossible.  They are everywhere.  TV ads, logos on things I accumulated over the years for a job well done (slap.in.face), former co-workers who are friends.  The worst was getting an adorable Mother's Day card from my youngest, who carefully and thoughtfully drew and colored the card in school and proudly delivered to me on Mother's Day last year.  A mere 5 months, give or take, after officially being severed from the company, this precious token of love and appreciation was crafted on donated cardstock...with the company's embossed logo.  Then there's the reminder every time I apply, interview and hear nothing.  Did the interviewer have a connection with someone at the company (in one case, yes, but I have no way of proving that anything was said or done without facing a restraining order, I'm sure)?  After all, they had 4+ months of unlimited and uncontested access to stack my personnel file with anything that would damage my reputation, true or not.  Then there's the monthly reminder, twice a month actually, when I pay full price for the kid's medication.  Every 3 months when they have to go to the Dr., yup, no insurance...and apparently I was overdue for a reminder.  Every time they tell me their teeth hurt, because hey, Dentist visits aren't cheap and hey!  Remember, you don't have insurance anymore!  Every time my phone rings with a bill collector on the other end, the fact that we are going to be homeless VERY soon, pleading with the electric company to set up another payment plan...all reminders that I lost something so vital to our way of life.  We don't have much, never did, but cherish what we do have.  They took away my job, took away my ability to properly care for my family, took away my pride and took away my sanity.

As if the pain of fighting with clinical depression\anxiety wasn't enough, I have all the reminders I need, on a regular basis, of what I lost and what could be.

Letting go isn't an option.  The universe just won't allow it.